Two-minute RUDDIGORE (or The Witch's Curse) with apologies to Sir William


BRIDESMAIDS. Fair is Rose, soft is Rose, sweet is Rose!
ZORAH. No one has married Rose! Dame Hannah, you could marry!
HANNAH. I am pledged!
MARGARET. You mean "who."
ROSE. Nay! it is the accusative after the verb.
HANNAH. To maidenhood! I was betrothed. He was no husband. I left him. He died. He was accursed. Sir Rupert Murgatroy persecuted witches, roasted a hag. She yelled forth: "Each lord shall do one crime every day!"
CHORUS. Shudder!
HANNAH. Whither away, Rose?
ROSE. Lo! Gifts, peppermint, snuff.
HANNAH. Is there none whom thou couldst love?
ROSE. Behold, the accusative *is* after the verb. Workhouse door, baby-linen, book of etiquette, voice from parent's tomb, hallowed volume, wife of Lord Mayor, guide and monitor. I test the moral worth, look upon as lost, could pursue further, have said enough.
HANNAH. Young Robin.
ROSE. Lo, he is shy! You may not point, whisper, hint, speak until spoken to.
ROBIN. Mistress Rose! It is fine. We do want rain. Let us consult one another. I know a youth.
ROSE. Behold! I know a maid
ROBIN. He cannot eat.
ROSE. Mercy! She's very thin.
BOTH. What should the (young man\maiden) do?
ADAM. My kind master! Dear Sir Ruthven--
ROBIN. Hush! I fled my home, concealed myself. Despard succeeded to the title. Don't dig me up.
ADAM. Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd! Eight hours at the seaside! Richard has returned.
BRIDESMAIDS. Richard, victorious! glorious!
RICHARD. Mounseer, Parley-voo, French fal-lal, kissed each other's cheek
ROBIN. My foster-brother, ten years at sea! Love in vain. Rose Maybud!
RICHARD. Spin her a yarn!
ROBIN. No false modesty. Diffident nature. Blow your own trumpet.
RICHARD. A thousand pities. Steady! She's fit to marry Nelson! Parbuckle me.
ROSE. Behold! "Always speak the truth.""Keep no one in suspense." "In accepting marriage, do so with hesitation." "Avoid eagerness." "A little show of emotion!" "Too many familiarities."
RICHARD. The battle's roar is over!
BRIDESMAIDS. Hail the Bridegroom, hail the Bride!
ROBIN. My darling!
RICHARD. Belay, it's me!
RICHARD. I fell in love.
ROBIN. Go away! Vulgar girls!
ROSE. I knew not. Lo! Thou hast land, oxen, sheep, swine, dairy farm, corn, oil! I am young! Behold! Sailors are worldly, drinketh strong waters, rarely true!
RICHARD. My heart.
ROBIN. My heart.
ROSE. My heart. White. Black. Left. Right.
MARGARET. Cheerily carols the lark.
ROSE. This apple.
MARGARET. Are you mad? I've come to pinch her!
ROSE. Mercy, whom?
MARGARET. You mean "who".
ROSE. Nay! Accusative!.
MARGARET. True! Rose Maybud! Italian glance. Pop!
ROSE. Pop! Behold! Rose Maybud!
MARGARET. They told me she was beautiful! They come--they are all mad--they carry power tools and flashlights!
MEN'S CHORUS. Come, Amaryllis, Chloe, Phyllis!
DESPARD. Sad. Mad. Bad. A hoarse. A horse. Of course, of course. Remorse. Wilbur!
CHORUS. Ah why! Fie, fie. Oh my.
DESPARD. They loathe me. Stole, built; robbed, endowed; carry off, atone.
RICHARD. Your honour, elder brother--
DESPARD. He died.
RICHARD. He didn't. Ought I to tell?
DESPARD. Delicate point. Free at last!
BRIDESMAIDS. Hail the bride!
MEN'S CHORUS. Hail the bridegroom!
ROSE. When the buds!
BRIDESMAIDS. Fal lal la!
MEN. Fah lal la!
BRIDESMAIDS. Fal lal la!
MEN. Fah lal la!
DESPARD. Hold! Young Robin! Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd!
ROBIN. I am! I'll tell taradiddles!
ZORAH. Who betrayed thee?
ALL. Who!
ALL. Die, traitor!
RICHARD. Withhold your wrath!
ALL. Acclaim him!
ROSE. Farewell! Take me!
BRIDESMAIDS. Hail the Bridegroom, hail the Bride!
DESPARD. Excuse me, I'm virtuous, must keep my vow!
MARGARET. Oh, joy!
ROSE. Richard, I am thine!
ROSE and RICHARD. Happy the lily
DESPARD and MARGARET. Happy the flowers
HANNAH, ADAM, and ZORAH. Happy the blossom.
ROBIN. Wretched the debtor!
ALL. Oh happy.


ROBIN. Ha! ha!
ADAM. Ha! ha!
ROBIN.This is painful.
ADAM. Poison their beer.
RICHARD. Happily coupled.
ROSE. Lo! My hopes will be blighted
ROBIN. What ho!
RICHARD. We are prepared.
ROBIN. Foiled.
ROSE. Grant thou my prayer!
ROBIN. I yield! Forefathers! Incomprehensible dialogue!
PORTRAITS. Painted emblems.
ROBIN. Who art thou?
SIR ROD. I am the spectre. Ghosts' high-noon!
ROBIN. You are the picture.
RODERICK. Bad light. You are evading!
ROD/[ROBIN] IN UNISON. Monday?/[Bank holiday]. Tuesday?/[False tax return]. Wednesday?/[Forged a will]. Thursday?/[Shot a fox]. Friday?/[Forged a cheque]; Saturday?/[Disinherited my son];
RODERICK. Arguments wouldn't hold water. We are foggy. Carry off a lady.
ROBIN. Go back!
RODERICK. Agonies commence.
ROBIN. I can't stand it! Stop a bit! Stop all the bits. I agree! I promise! To-day! At once! I retract! I apologize!
MEN'S CHORUS. He yields!
ROBIN. I pardon you!
MEN. Painted emblems!
ROBIN. Old Adam, carry off a maiden. Fly! Away remorse.
DESPARD. I once was abandoned.
MARGARET. I was odd. "Basingstoke!"
DESPARD. We urge you. You trifled. Raised! Dashed! Basingstoke!
ROBIN. Don't cry. Burlingame! Married?
DESPARD. Married.
ROBIN. I will defy, refuse.
ROBIN, DESPARD, and MARGARET. Matter, matter, matter!
ADAM. She is here. Tiger cat!
ROBIN. Dame Hannah! Uncle! Save me!
RODERICK. Nannikin!
HANNAH. Roddy-doddy! There grew a little flower!
ROBIN. Stop! An idea! Suicide is a crime!
RODERICK. I'm practically alive!
ROBIN. Rose, you loved me?
ROSE. Madly, passionately!
ROBIN. Passionately, madly! Madly, passionately!
ROBIN. Sir Rupert Murgatroyd, Baronet of Ruddygore!
ROSE. Who?
DESPARD. Basingstoke!
ROBIN. Modest livelihood!
ROSE. Mousie in the fable!
RICHARD. Pipe my eye!
DESPARD and MARGARET. Toddle. Basingstoke!
ALL. Happy the lily.


Back to stage page. Back to