Two-Minute Iolanthe

(with apologies to Sir William)


CHORUS: Tripping hither, tripping thither!
ELIA: We are dainty little fairies!
LEILA: Lovers' sighs, eyes, tears, fears, darts, hearts.
CELIA: Our Queen banished Iolanthe!
FLETA: Oh, give her back!
QUEEN: It shall be as you wish! Iolanthe! Thou art summoned! Thou art pardoned!
IOLANTHE: Pardoned!
CHORUS: Pardoned!
QUEEN: I didn't know you had a son.
IOLANTHE: He's inclined to be stout. He's an Arcadian shepherd. He loves Phyllis. His legs are mortal. Here he comes!
STREPHON: Good morrow! I'm to be married today! Who are these?
IOLANTHE: Rejoice! Pardoned! My sisters.
STREPHON: My aunts! My bride knows nothing of my fairyhood. Curse Of my existence! Keyhole, invisible, gibbering idiot.
QUEEN: I see. Parliament? Peculiar legs.
FAIRIES: Call us, and we'll come to thee!
PHYLLIS: We're to be married. I tremble! Penal servitude.
STREPH. Look in the glass! Lord Chancellor! House of Lords. Delays are dangerous.
STREPHON and PHYLLIS: None shall part us!
PEERS: Tantantara!
LORD CHANCELLOR: I embody the Law. I am singularly attracted. I was a stout man. “Sye no more. Sye no more.” I should award her to myself. I waive my claim. [pause] I thank your Lordships. Give his own consent? Marry without consent? Commit himself for contempt? Appear before himself? Woolsack!
LORD MOUNTARARAT: Succeeded in inducing.
PHYLLIS: I am here!
PEERS: Rapture, beautiful, gentle, dutiful!
TOLLOLLER: Birth and position. Grammar and spelling. Blood and behaviour!
MOUNTARARAT: Party. Party. Party!
PHYLLIS: I refuse. My heart is given!
ALL: Given!
PHYL. Given!
PEERS. Let's depart. Bwa-ha-ha. Tantara.
LORD CH. What excuse?
STREPH. The bees the breeze the seas the rooks the brooks the gales the vales the fountains--the mountains. Bright barbed dart, lurid light, sad and sodden sympathy!
LORD CH. Distinctly. I went to the Bar.
STREPH. Oh, Phyllis, Phyllis! To be taken from you just as I was on the point of making you my own! Oh, it's too much it's too much!
IOL. (to STREPHON, who is in tears). My son in tears and on his wedding day!
STREPH. My wedding day! The Lord Chancellor!
IOL. If he did but know! No power over you. Half a fairy. Defy him. Take heart. Special protection. Peculiar case.
STREPH. On thee I'll call!
IOL. If thou needst an Ark!
LORD TOLL. St James's Park!
PHYL. We part.
STREPH. This lady's my mother!
LORD MOUNT. Stylish Italian phrase!
LORD CH. Another styish Italian phrase!
PEERS. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
STREPH. She moistenèd my clay!
PEERS Refreshment.
LORD MOUNT. Pipe our eye.
PHYL. Achy, quaky, breaky heart! I don't care which!
PEERS Which? Whom? Whose? What?
STREPH. Mighty protectress!
FAIRIES You've summoned us.
PEERS Strephon is a rogue!
FAIRIES. Strephon's not a rogue!
LORD CH. Fondled!
ALL. Bit of folly! Melancholy! Injurious, curious, spurious. Taradiddle!
LORD CH. Go away!
QUEEN. Bearded! I will launch!
LORD CH. I'm in a quandary!
CELIA Wrath tremendous!
LEILA. Doom appalling!
QUEEN. Into Parliament you shall go!
ALL. Into Parliament he shall go!
QUEEN. Every bill shall be passed! You shall sit, he shall end, he shall prick, titles shall ennoble, peers shall teem. Competitive Examination!
ALL. Painful wrench. More stylish foreign phrases!


PRIVATE WILLIS. A little Liberal. A little Conservative!
FAIRIES/PEERS. Strephon's a Member of Parliament!
LORD MOUNTARARAT. Britain really ruled the waves
LEILA. Charming persons, are they not?
CELIA. For self-contained dignity, airy condescension!
FAIRIES. Don't go!
PEERS. We'll go!
QUEEN. Oh shame! Oh, foolish fay. Oh, amorous dove! Oh, Captain Shaw!
PHYL. I'm engaged to two noblemen at once.
LORD TOLL. We must fight, one must die.
LORD TOLL. George.
LORD MOUNT. You lead the House of Lords! I shall take your place!
PHYL. It's really not worth while.
LORD CHANCELLOR. Love, unrequited! My song is over!
LORD MOUNT. Judgements in F sharp minor, given al dente.
LORD CH. Two capacities!
LORD TOLL. No capacities!
CHANCELLOR, MOUNTARARAT, and TOLLOLLER. Faint heart never won fair lady!
STREPH. I'm miserable.
PHYL. I'd rather have half a mortal I love!
STREPH. We'll get married.
PHYL. Your mother kisses just like other people!
IOL. The Lord Chancellor is my husband and your father!
LORD CH. Victory! Victory
IOLANTHE A suppliant at your feet I kneel.
LORD CH. Phyllis is my promised bride.
IOL. I plead in vain!
FAIRIES. Forbear!
IOL. I am thy wife.
LORD CH. Thou livest?
QUEEN. Thou shalt die!
LEILA. So must we all
QUEEN. I can't slaughter the whole company!
LORD CH. Insert a single word.
QUEEN. We go to Fairyland.

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