The Gondoliers or The King of Barataria in about two minutes
With apologies to Sir William. 2004 version

===== ACT I =====

CONTADINE. List and learn!
FIAMETTA. We, alas!
FIAMETTA. They, alas!
FRANCESCO. Good morrow pretty maids!
FIAMETTA. Marco and Giuseppe. Pink. Flower.
GIULIA. Sit sedately.
ANTONIO. Gondoliers to be envied!
GIORGIO. Pity on our passions.
FIAMETTA. Dolce far niente.
ANTONIO. Merriest fellows!
CHORUS. Tra la,
SOMEONE. (Make rising scream.)
FIAMETTA. They come! Acclaim!
MARCO and GIUSEPPE. We're gondolieri. Vagary. Shortcoated. Manolins. Daylight. Tra la!
MARCO. Choose our brides!
GIUSEPPE. Handkerchiefs bind.
MARCO. Absolutely blind.
BOTH. Turn us round!
GONDOLILERS. He keeps three horses.
CHORUS. Rapture!
MARCO. Gianetta!
CHORUS. The very girl!
GIANETTA. Prove a treasure!
TESSA. Been unsightly!
CHORUS. Tra, la, la, la, la, la, etc.
ALL. Fate's finger. Bow! Altar! Hurry!
DUKE. Duke--
DUCHESS. Duchess--
CASILDA. Daughter--
LUIZ. Drum
DDCL. Never never, never never, never never, never never!
DUKE. We have arrived. Ducal Palace. Grand Inquisitor. Castilian hidalgo. Wet streets. Suite?
LUIZ. Here.
CASILDA. PaPA. Patience! Presumption. Persons! Plebeian position! Appreciate position. Whipped!
DUKE. Halberdiers?
LUIZ. Mercenary.
DUKE. Band?
LUIZ. Sordid.
DUCHESS. So like a band!
(ORCHESTRA. Hsssss!)
DUKE. Ring the bell. Duke of Plaza-Toro--
DUCHESS. And suite--
DUKE. Seek--
CASILDA. Desire--
DUCHESS. Demand!
DUKE. An audience. Magnificent surprise. Married by proxy. Son of the King of Barataria! Stolen and conveyed. Ascertain whereabouts! Queen of Barataria!
CASILDA. Nothing to wear! Practically penniless!
DUKE. Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited.
CASILDA. Degrading!
DUKE. Celebrated, unaffected, very knowing!
CASILDA AND LUIZ. O raaaaapture.
CASILDA. Ah, well-beloved.
LUIZ. Ah, well-beloved.
BOTH. Ah, well-beloved, etc.
CASILDA. It may not be. Surprise and indignation. Wed in babyhood!
LUIZ. Son of the King of Barataria? Stolen in infancy. My mother was the nurse! Not recognize this marriage! The past is ours. Revel!
CASILDA. Frenzy. Ten minutes!
LUIZ. Loved. Quarter hour.
CASILDA. Sweet words. Twenty minutes.
LUIZ. There was a time!
CASILDA. Woe is me!
BOTH. Requiem.
DUKE. Don Alhambra del Bolero.
DON ALHAMBRA. Distinctly jimp. Naughty temper!
DUCHESS. Some doubt. His Majesty's whereabouts.
DON ALHAMBRA. No doubt at all! Gondolier.
ALL. No possible doubt whatever.
CASILDA. Bless my heart!
DON ALHAMBRA. Submit to Fate!
LUIZ, and GRAND INQUISITOR. Try we life-long.
LUIZ. Plums!
DUCHESS. Benumbs.
CHORUS. Bridegroom and bride! Ahhhhh!
TESSA. Merry maiden. Flower. Rose. Goose. Swan.
DON ALHAMBRA. Good morning.
GIUSEPPE. An undertaker!
TESSA. Mine!
MARCO. Mine!
TESSA. Married.
GIUSEPPE. You can go! Jolly gondoliers. Republicans. Abhor. Detest. Despise. Masters and servants. DON ALHAMBRA. One of you is King. You'll abdicate.
GIUSEPPE. Ideal king.
MARCO. Free entertainments.
GIUSEPPE. Fireworks.
TESSA and GIANETTA. Ooo, ahh!
DON ALHAMBRA. Settled. Reign jointly. Ladies not admitted.
DON ALHAMBRA. Separation brief. Ascertain king.
GIANETTA, TESSA. Viva!CHORUS. Remarkable hilarity! Unmitigated jollity!
MARCO and GIUSEPPE. I'm king. All shall equal be.
CHORUS. Hail! O King.
MARCO and GIUSEPPE. Let's away!
GIANETTA and TESSA. Farewell!
GIANETTA. Be good.
TESSA. Do not forget!
CHORUS. Away we go. Breezes blow, ship go.
ALL. Away. Away. Away. Away.

===== ACT II =====

MEN with MARCO and GIUSEPPE. Happiness, the very pith!
MARCO and GIUSEPPE. Perfect unity.
MARCO. Much obliged. Delighted with sentiments.
GIUSEPPE. One little grievance.
MARCO and GIUSEPPE. We want our tea.
ANNIBALE. Interim order. Double rations. Indemnify.
GIORGIO. Work hard.
GIUSEPPE. Rising early.
CHORUS. Philosophers may sing.
MARCO. Dear wives whose little behinds we left.
MARCO. Sparkling eyes!
CONTADINE. Here we are!
TESSA. Giuseppe!
MARCO. Polo!
TESSA and GIANETTA. Everything is interesting. Tell us all about it!
TESSA. Dull, mopey. Done. Done. Done. Done!
GIANETTA. Which is King?
TESSA. Which is Queen?
GIUSEPPE. Honeymoon? Banquet? Dance?
TESSA. Too much happiness!
CHORUS. Cachucha! Yay!
DON ALHAMBRA. Fancy ball?
GIUSEPPE. Monarchy re-modelled.
DON ALHAMBRA. Intellectual pressure.
GIUSEPPE. Macaroni? Rusk?
DON ALHAMBRA. Gout. Distinctions. Leapfrog. Tuppenny. When every one is somebodee, no one's anybody! Beautiful daughter. You (whichever) were married. I congratulate one. Unintentional bigamist.
TESSA. Their wives.
GIANETTA. One already married?
TESSA. Neither of us Queen?
DON ALHAMBRA. Not long in suspense. Illustrated papers.
MARCO. One married to two.
GIANETTA. One married to nobody.
TESSA. Which to which?
GIUSEPPE. Two-thirds a husband to wife.
TESSA. Mount St. Helens! Vulgar fraction!
MARCO, GIUSEPPE, GIANETTA, TESSA. Contemplative fashion.
TESSA. Duck.
MARCO. Nice.
MEN. Ducal pomp.
DUKE. Tiddle-toddle! The Duke begs--
CASILDA. Desires--
DUCHESS. Demands--
DUKE. An audience.
DUCHESS. I was wedded. Fuming. Unassuming. Billing. Cooing. Double-shotted guns.
MARCO. Duke?
DUKE. Same.
CASILDA. Obedient servant!
DUKE. Allow attention to wander. Rang it myself.
GIUSEPPE. Take off my cap. Anything else in reason.
DUKE. Proper discipline. Dignity. Soupcon.
GIUSEPPE. Gesundheit!
DUKE. I am a courtier. Gavotte. Oncely, twicely. Capital!
GIUSEPPE. Old birds gone.
MARCO. Not fair.
CASILDA. Over head and ears in love.
GIUSEPPE. Exactly! Our wives!
CASILDA. Hopelessly complicated.
MARCO and GIUSEPPE. Bisected.
DON ALHAMBRA. Loyal leeches!
INEZ. Old and crusted. My boy I substituted!
ALL. Indeed?
MARCO, GIANETTA, GIUSEPPE, TESSA. Conflicting; delighted!
LUIZ. Waited
DUKE. Dictated.
CASILDA. Recorded.
DUCHESS. Rewarded.
ALL. Hail. Cachucha. Farewell!

All bow.

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